Monday, October 12, 2009

Discovery

Inspired by a favorite blog, A Thousand Words… and then some, a topic in honor of Columbus Day. (Amy’s other blog Daily Pleasures is a worthwhile stop on your blog hopping adventures too… when I’m having a day when I am tempted to desert my family and check into a hotel with the sole purpose of sleeping, eating and non-cleaning, feeling that they would only miss me when they run out of clean dishes… you know… one of those days… I sit down to read the latest post of Daily Pleasures and I remember: I dreamed about this job. I prayed for this job. I landed this job. I love this job. It’s so much more than a “job”. And I cancel my reservation at the Holiday Inn. Daily Pleasures has become one of MY daily pleasures.)

Anyway, back to the subject: Discovery



























On Labor Day, Eden discovered the awesome sensation of gritty mud between her toes, the fun of squishing it in her hands, the “delightful” taste of it in her mouth. She had HOURS of fun playing right in that little patch on mud by the West Canada Creek. She filled and emptied that Mr. Smoothie’s cup a bazillion times. And I discovered that eventually her soft baby skin will come clean again… eventually.

I personally have been discovering some things recently as well. I’ve been realized anew that Jesus really does love me. Sure, I’ve known that for years but I don’t know if I’ve ever really truly KNOWN that. Maybe it was that my head knew it but my heart had forgotten? What does this silly California girl mean?!! Girl, your guess is as good as mine.

Okay really… let me see if I can explain it better. This summer I was not feeling well. Nothing dire but I was nauseated all the time and had terrible headaches and was feeling dizzy several times a day. Dizziness is very annoying when you are busy! I ran into a lady (she is that grandmotherly type who treats everyone as if they are who own child- what would this world be like without those sweet kinds of ladies!?) who had not seen my in several months. Immediately, her mothering begins. “Kayte, are feeling all right? Have you lost weight??” I acknowledged that I had… I was down to 114 lbs... I know no one like to hear a skinny girl complain about being skinny (please unclench your fists girls!) but really, 114 lbs. on a 5’8 frame don’t look good nor does it feel good. (Poor grammar for affect… get used to it.) I felt lousy. Coincidently, we were right by my primary care physician’s office. “Kayte,” she sternly said, “I don’t want to pry, but please go right in to Dr. Taylor’s and make an appt. You really need to take care of yourself, you’re worth it.” And it’s that last phrase that stuck out to me… I actually bristled hearing it. The first thought to fly into my head was No I am not. I think being in a world full of so much emphasis about “self –esteem” and “loving yourself”, I had unconsciously been associating thinking “one was worth it” with that same kind of prideful and putting yourself first attitude. Those words kept coming back to me… “You’re worth it”. And in my heart I was thinking that I was worth nothing… just trailer park trash with yucky yucky origins.

How many times when giving the gospel to someone, have I used the phrase “If you had been the only person on earth, Jesus still would have come and died for you”. Almost every time I witness to a person, I emphasis how worth it they are to God. But all these years of telling that to others, I had never applied it to myself. I mean I knew that God was good, and that He loved me… but not in that same way like He loves the best people I know. It’s hard to explain… and let’s remember this is only my second post as an official blogger. ;) When I entered adulthood, I stood by that metaphorical baggage claim and said “Oh yes, that one is mine… and that one too… and that big one over there… oh and that really nasty beat up one… uh huh, yup, just pile ‘em up right here.” I had Baggage with a capital B. But I sat under preaching, I felt God move in my heart, I dealt with it all. Well, maybe, just maybe, not ALL. Is it pride or just plain foolishness to think that we can deal with things once and kiss them good bye forever. I had done a good job digging out bitterness, forgiving, moving on. But then come children. And that additional wonderful new relationship reveals that you have more work to do within yourself. But because I like to carry my heavy baggage solo and insist that “I’ve got it- I’m good!” with a smile on my face, I didn’t want to admit that I more issues (“issues” is a great word- it covers so much without needing to be specific). Finally, when making decisions regarding our will and who would have custody of our children should Seth and I both die, I had the morbid and embarrassing to admit thought: “They’d probably be better off with them anyway”. That’s when a girl even as stubborn as I must sit back and say “Hmmm… I think I’ve got a piece of luggage around here to get rid of”. To my heart, the Holy Spirit seemed to say ”Start with Hosea”. So I did a bit of studying in Hosea and it has helped. I’m not quite willing to say that I am baggage free… I suppose NONE of us will be free from ALL our baggage until we enter Heaven and it’s perfection. But am happy to know that Jesus really loves me and that I am worth Calvary to Him.

I am also discovering that I use italics way too often.

And in case you want to discover what was wrong with my skinny, tired run down self, my miracle cure was eating… and apparently Iced Coffee from McDonalds doesn’t count. Who knew?

7 comments:

Amy Sue said...

How transparent you are Kayte. I believe that the baggage claim area...yes we all have it, but as time goes on, and we grow...take the time to stop and unzip those dirty bags. You will find they are filled with rocks...Satan's lies and guilt. I enjoy reading your thoughts...I've been there friend!

Linda said...

If you click on the title discovery, and copy the address at the top of the computer by highlighting it and pressing control then c, then commenting on Amy's blog, clicking where you want the link and pressing control v and commenting, you are linked in.

Kayte said...

Thanks, Linda... I just attempted that so fingers crossed that it worked.

Amy, I think you're so right... just Satan trying to deceive and discourage, as always... and yes I was rather transparent here! =} My first thought when I woke up this morning was "Why did I post all that?!!"

Amy said...

Kayte,
You'll find that on nights you post your true heart, you go to bed with a weight of worry and wake all through the night praying and wondering "Why, oh why did I say all that?" But God has whispered to me so many times that He wanted me to share for the sake of helping others and that I didn't need to worry. It always helps me to have my husband read it; then I know that if everyone else thinks I'm crazy, at least someone important to me is backing me. (Then again, sometimes it takes him a couple of days to read all I've posted and he'll suggest changes, so if you ever wonder where something went...) And then I get up in the morning and read one or two or sometimes many supportive comments and I'm so glad I shared.
Thank you for sharing your heart today. You were a blessing to me. God is good.

Oh, and as for the italics, you seem to write (and feel) like me, so you'll notice lots and lots of "so very, ever so, just" and other little words that push up the level of expression. :)

AntfarmMom said...

Thanks for this post. I can so relate! It is very true for all of us...we are worth it and He is so very worth it...Hugs to you...as you let go of the baggage.

jennstar said...

Expression is GOOD, Kayte!
Even though we all have different backgrounds and personal things to deal with... it is NEVER tiring to hear how God is working in someone else's heart. Thank you for sharing!
BTW, there is no italics in the comment boxes... you must resort to capitals! and lots of explanation points!! :)

Jamiee said...

In regards to you needing to eat... Girl I know you have become a great cook and make some amazing meals for your family ... dont be afraid to enjoy them ... even if it is cold from serving her husband and two little ones first!