Mommy Guilt

I am conducting a survey.

Do you mommies feel a sense of mommy guilt? Why do you think this is and what is the cure?

I shall explain:

When I was expecting Eden, I was completely happy about the idea of having another baby... especially another girl. Along with just adding to our family and life, I was happy for Maddie to be having a close in age sibling, and a sister to boot. I felt that it was in her best interest that she not remain an only child for long (not saying it would be wrong... just my opinion as I noticed her attitude of "It's all about ME!", which just about every toddler develops, right?). There were many things I did not anticipate that happened when Eden arrived and the biggest surprise to me to the strong feeling of guilt that I had. It's difficult to explain, but I will try.

I felt overwhelmed at the idea that now three people (my two children and my husband) were relying on me so heavily. Each of them wanted ALL of me. I felt like I was being stretched farther than possible. I could not give myself totally to each of them all at the same time. Failing one, if not all of them seemed inevitable. I wanted to be teaching and training Maddie to obey better and just spend time playing with her and engaging her. I wanted to give Eden all the loving and cuddling that a newborn should have, plus nurse her as long as possible. And maybe the hardest of all was trying to give Seth all the attention and priority a husband should have and trying to be careful to not let babies consume our marriage. Further complicating my situation is the fact that Eden was born in May. Why is that significant? I'm a youth pastor's wife. The late spring and summer is a very very busy time for us. Tiny little Eden came along to youth conferences and outings, and was just fine. If you've ever nursed a baby while standing up in a bathroom stall on the thru way rest stop, you MIGHT be a youth pastor's wife! ; ) Honestly though, it all felt like trying to divide up a raisin into three servings that would fill each person. I knew in my head that this feeling of guilt and not being able to satisfy every need presented to me was illogical and unnecessary but I could not shake the guilty feeling, which I have dubbed "Mommy Guilt". It plagued me strongly for about 3 months, during which time I muddled through and did my best to be everything each of these three special people needed of me. The guilt subsided a great deal as Eden got older and I felt that we were adjusted to our new family size. I was back to giving Maddie one on one time, and was able to lavish more attention on Seth. I still did have some guilt about not having the time to cuddle and snuggle with Eden as much as did with Maddie. The guilt is not overwhelming any more but it still does arise periodically.

This subject has been on my mind recently because in conversation with other moms, I have gotten the impression that they too feel Mommy Guilt, especially as new members are added to their family. It makes me wonder if mommies of large families feel this way when bringing in their 8th, 9th and so on child. I hope to have a big family as well and I wonder if I will feel this way when I have our 3rd, 4th and more, Lord willing. If I felt so guilt ridden with just two kiddos, I certinaly hope not!

While in the hospital waiting room yesterday as I tried to sneak at peek at my brand new nephew, I had a conversation about Mommy Guilt with my father in law, who is also my pastor. He knew exactly to what I was referring because my sister in law had just been in tears about how she would be able to care for her three older boys, one of whom is still a baby, and her newborn. My father in law is old school in every way.... common sense practicality oozes out of him, and sometimes that is just foreign to my female, "touchy feely" brain! ; ) He told me that he is baffled by the young mothers today who seem to all struggle with this nagging guilt. When my in laws were bringing up their house full of children, guilt had never occurred to him, and not to his wife either because they've discussed this trend as they observed it in young moms. They just hunkered down and did right by them. Period. What's to feel guilty about?

Sitting in that maternity ward as we talked on this subject and others concerning family life, I thought "I do not believe this man has an ounce of estrogen in him." *sigh*

This evening I brought it up to my husband and... well. He doesn't get it either. It's not his fault. Again, serious void of estrogen.

Do you think estrogen promotes guilt like it promotes breast cancer? Hmmm. Someone should do a clinical study on that!

So please, give me your in-put. Is this a generational thing? Is it a wrong philosophy thing? Is hormone therapy the only cure? Maybe you do not experience the guilt that I'm referring to? Why do you think that is?

Happy Birthday!!!

Today is my beloved's 28th birthday! Happy Birthday, Seth!

To celebrate, we welcomed a new nephew into the world! =)

My sister in law delivered her fourth son via c-section. Noah was 7 lbs. 1 ounce and 19 1/2 inches long. He has a bunch of dark hair and is a real cutie pie. This picture isn't the greatest but due to the swine flu, they are not allowing any visitors. This was a cell phone shot my brother in law sent out. My sister in law, Suzanne, had to have this c-section vertically (as opposed to the usual horizontal incision) so please pray for her recovery. With 3 older boys, one of which is only 14 months old, you can imagine that rest and relaxation don't come easy! Happy birthday, Noah!!

And here is a fun picture of Noah's older brother who spent the day with us... this was early in the morning when they were still tramping around in jammies.

I love this...

I clipped this from a magazine a long time ago. I wish I had the software to make it look clearer.

Isn't that sweet?

Working on being the mommy I want to be

Dr. Hyles would say that the Christian life is like steering a car; a series of small constant adjustments to keep ourselves going straight. Not big jerks one direction, then the other- just a little tweak this way, then a little tweak that way. I feel that this illustration could also be applied to parenting as well. Continually evaluating and adjusting, all the while knowing that perfection will never be attained but hoping that if we keep tweaking we will eventually arrive at our destination and be able to look back at a generally straight trail behind us.

When Maddie was a baby and young toddler, I was constantly asking my friends for advice on just about every subject. Partially this was a sincere desire to glean from their knowledge, but part of my constant advice seeking was just insecurity and laziness to figure things out for myself. I still do seek wisdom from more experience moms, but have realized that no one person has all the answers. One mom may have a good idea on one subject; another has a great method for a certain thing and so forth. I am really glad to have “stolen” some ideas from wiser moms… I just could not have come up some of the good thoughts others have learned over the course of many years (and sometimes, many children). I have become more selective about where I glean knowledge from…. and am getting better at figuring out which tid-bits could actually be practical and suitable for MY family. And it is true that some things we just have to figure out for ourselves, the hard way!

I came across this blog because of the HP TouchSmart giveaway (which you can enter as well… good until Christmas Eve) and started poking around some older posts. She has some helpful ideas about managing with her four little ones. Reading through this list of ideas, I knew where I had been going wrong lately.

My latest tweaks:

- Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child. The Bible states this fact, and while I won’t be so presumptuous to declare why God puts certain passages in his Word, it occurred to me that perhaps God was saying “It’s a fact that children are foolish. Your kids won’t be immune. Expect it and deal with it in the way which I told you.” It seems that sometimes I act like I am caught off guard by the fact that my children are behaving *gasp* childishly. Why should I be surprised? It’s what children do. Just acknowledging that fact helps me to have a better frame of mind and to be ready and waiting when that foolishness rears its ugly head. I somewhat humorously will reference I Peter 4:12, “Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you.” Okay, okay, I’m not really sure the misbehavior of a 3 yr. old and 19 mo. old were what this passage was intended to cover, but the principle applies, I think!

- Deal with misbehavior quickly. When we ignore it and keep issuing warnings without actually handling the problem, and let our frustration build, we do much damage. Our kids believe us to be liars for our failure to follow through, and we become increasingly upset, to the point where even rage can settle in. I don’t think I have ever exactly gone into RAGE. Mostly what happens around here is frustration and lots of sighing and a sour disposition. Watching my little girls mimic me sighing is most humbling.

- Give them my full attention. There are some things I just cannot do while the girls are awake. Blogging would be one of them. Trying to do balance my checkbook or work on church projects… basically anything involving the computer, is just a frustrating futile effort. The project and the girls suffer from trying to spread myself between them. So I’m just going to stop trying!! I need to work on developing a scheduled time for my church endeavors. So far, between 10pm and midnight is it. Hmmm. Must work on this.

- Move on from bad parts of the day. A tendency around here is that once the day is spoiled by oh I don’t know, a certain little girl helping herself to some paint and spilling it on the carpet or something along those lines, the day holds the tone of that bad deed and the resulting consequence. Maddie is a pretty emotional little creature. I don’t know if it’s just her, or if it’s a girl thing, or what, but she can carry on and on about the smallest thing all day. I have been thinking that I am pretty much teaching her to keep carrying on and on by allowing the discipline session to cast a grumpy mood for hours. This is on my part more than anyone’s. Especially if it’s something involving a big mess. I would hate for her to learn to hold a grudge from her mom. So we’re going to deal with misbehavior, talk about it, hug and kiss and move on.

I must be feeling recovered from this horrible flu and ear infection because I feel like tackling everything… along with this resolutions, I’ve been cleaning like a mad woman and have organized some of those nooks and crannies that have been neglected far too long. I love a tidy house… but just like these parenting adjustments, it’ll all need to be done again in the near future. A woman’s work is never done, as they say!

S.S. Room: Take Two

This is our primary Sunday School room... I also used to teach the kindergarteners at the academy in this room, too.

It's been about a year and a half since I painted this and I'm starting to think about adding some more colors and depths to the grass and tree... maybe some flying creatures in the sky.

The furry little critter was supposed to be a chipmunk. But as it became clear that he was way too big, I thought I would say he's a squirrel. But he's still out of proportion to be a squirrel. So I guess now he is a puppy? Whatever.The mutant puppy-chipmunk didn't come out so great but I do like this little worm... he's got a little personality about him, huh?

And here's some on the french memo board in progress in case anyone is interested. I'm sure there are more precise instructions online somewhere, but really it's not hard. Just use whatever scrap board you've got around. The cute red head is not required.

Sunday School Room Makeover

I recently started teaching the teen girls' class and we decided to give the room a makeover.

Before... you'll just have to imagine to furniture in there since we removed it before thinking of "before" pictures... the chairs were a weird peach color (been there a looooong time):

After... I let the teen girls choose what theme to decorate in and they picked the beach. They helped me paint the walls... which was fun and MESSY. The carpet bears the evidence! We will never be hired as professional painters, that's for sure!! But it was a good time and I'm so glad they helped. Thanks Jasmine and Cassidy!! The blue color was not intended to be so bright... Pastor McCoy just about had a heart attack! Hopefully having some things on the walls has toned it down:

This french memo board was made with a piece of laminate board. I used a staple gun to fasten quilting batting, then the fabric. The ribbons were the hardest part, and to be honest, Seth did all the work on that! My technique was going to be to eye ball it and Seth cringed at the thought. He got out the tape measure and sent me out for additional supplies. He did a great job getting them perfectly spaced out. It took a lot more ribbon that I anticipated! Each one was stapled to the back, then upholstery pins at the intersections in a pattern which probably only makes sense to me!!

I'll be sticking my various visual aids for the lessons, and any stop shots of the class, etc on this. Should be cute soon!

My attendance chart... it's not actually crooked- that's just my lousy camera work!

These frames were originally plain wooden ones that mom had no use for and gave to me for this purpose. I sanded, painted and glues on some shells.

The verse printed on each one ties into the beach theme and relates to the picture:

That shelf will soon be decorated with shells, a star fish, etc. I'm just taking a break from spending any. more. money.!!! That bag hanging contains the much sought after S.S. prizes!!

I also painted that little cupboard...it was dark blue. I did a crackle finish because I've been curious to try that! It was easy and I'm completely amused by the fact that if it had been crackled beforehand, I wouldn't have liked it and would have thought it was worn and old but because I crackled it on purpose, it's suddenly just want I wanted.

The little girl in the pink dress was not painted. She is not crackled either.

The freshly painted chairs... my great husband did all that work because I really do not like to work with spray paint. It's just not my favorite at all. He did a wonderful job with them.... it took quite some time because all those spindles had to be sanded. I'd like to get chair pads for them soon.

The curtain was actually a full length one that i cut at the appropriate length and used the rest for the tablecloth. My mom helped me out by running it through her machine to hem each piece. I love having my mom close by... and I think she actually enjoyed being able to help me in this little way.

And that is it, folks!! I think I'll show you the S.S. room I painted last year... it's quirky! Stay tuned...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!!!

We've got Christmas cookies....and Christmas cookie batter.....

And presents wrapped....

We even have sleigh rides! (They hooked a monkey on the car for Maddie to pull Eden around with!)

Hope the season is warming your home, too!!