Loving the Little Years {Book Review}

On a day when I was feeling run down and less than successful in life, a friend posted on FB about this little book and how much she liked it. It has been some time since reading a parenting book so I went ahead and asked my library if they could get it for me. A few weeks went by and now I have the book in my hands.

I LOVE love LoVe LOVE love love LOVE ♥ love this book.

It's a different kind of parenting book- for one thing it is very short. Each chapter takes about 5 minutes to read and is a little gem. The general theme is about attitude- ours and our children's attitudes. It's not a book that will make you feel like you and/or your children will never match up and be like the author and their children.

I repeat: This book will not beat you up.

I am only one third of the way through and I feel so ENCOURAGED.

If I could buy this book for every friend of mine with small children, I seriously would. I literally considered that for a moment. It's a thought that I've never before contemplated but I want all my mommy friends to feel the encouragement that I feel right now.

And it's not encouraging the way of "your kids are bad because that's what kids are so just accept that and life will be a lot easier". It's encouraging in the way of "God has given us a tremendous job to do and by His grace, we CAN do it."

A quote from the author, a mother of 5 children, ages 5 and under: "I didn't write this book because mothering is easy for me. I wrote it because it isn't."

I am reading this book in small pockets of time here and there, which is not how I prefer to read. I'm afraid I don't retain as much without sitting down and digesting a book from beginning to end, so I have stuck a piece of paper in as my book mark and am jotting down phrases to help me remember some key thoughts. These are the things that have spoken to me, and addressed issues we have in our family, so I'd really encourage you to get the book for yourself, because I'm not giving a thorough review here. And as I said, I'm only 1/3 the way through.

- Attitude is everything. An organized mental state goes farther than an organized pantry (or whatever)

- Celebrate the progress.

        This was big to me. So often our children struggle with some bad habit that we deal with over and over and over again and when they finally do gain victory in that area, we've already moved on to fixing the next problem area. They go from one issue to the next without any break so we forget to say 'hey, You no longer color on the walls at every chance! That's awesome! We made PROGRESS!'

- Repetition is normal.

        She didn't exactly say it that way... her point was that everything from Bible verses to math facts to tying our shoes is learned through repetition. I don't know why I ever got this crazy idea in my head, but I used to actually be under the impression that if I gave a clear rule and consequence, enforced it 100% and followed through 100% of the time, my children would only need to be trained to do or not do something a couple times at most. It was a huge source of frustration for me, especially with my first toddler. The fact is, we ALL have to learn through repetition. It's not a sign of failure on my part or my child's. Some children or some lessons need more repetition than others. It's not permission to slack off and just let them get away with bad behavior and maybe my tactics need stepping up if it's really not getting through, but I'm not going to be shocked and discouraged when they need to learn the same lesson again and again. I had learned that the key to learning is repitition in college when getting my education degree but had failed to transfer that principle to the obedience and character traits I want my chidren to have.

- Use stories for explanation.

       This is one of those things I know but wasn't putting into practice! Children love stories and if you use a story to illustrate good or bad behavior, they can almost finish the ending for you! One example the author used was with likening horses with emotions. I'll try to explain:

With 3 daughters, there are emotions galore in our house, and they are still young!! When people start talking to me about when these girls are all teenagers at the same time I want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing the alphabet. The all go into hysterics on occasion, especially when overly tired, but one of my little girls is extra prone to emotional meltdowns. And once she gets going, it's sooooo hard to put the breaks on. 

Rachel Jankovic, the author whose 5 children include 4 girls and 1 boy, told her daughters a story about some lovely ladies who were given beautiful horses to ride. They wanted to ride their horses to the wonderful castle with flowers and rainbows and all that girlie girl stuff. But sometimes, the horses would decide they wanted to go to the yucky muddy swamp with bugs in it! The lovely ladies had to learn how to steer their horses to go to the right place. The horses, of course, are our feelings, and sometimes they want to get carried away and take us somewhere we don't want go. The horses (feelings/emotions) aren't bad.... they just need to be controlled.

I thought this made perfect sense to me, and for Heaven's sake I do not want to see my daughters grow up to be women with no control over their emotions. Those women, whom we are all thinking of someone like that right now, are miserable and so is everyone around them. I was skeptical that my young daughter could follow a metaphor but gave it a try at the next emotional episode about to happen. (I didn't have to wait long to test it out!)

Just as I could see the tears forming and the corners of her mouth getting heavier, I told her the story of the horses. Not only did she follow along but added to the story, with bits and pieces from Beauty and the Beast where the horse in that story takes them to the dark scary castle. Did it instantly shut the hysterics off? Well, we had to really work on getting that horse to go where we wanted but I could see her actually trying and actually feeling a little bit successful about not getting into the depths of despair where there is no turning back. She enjoyed having control. And it surely worked better than the standard "Stop. Crying. Right. Now!" So I'm hooked and will be utilizing stories as often as I can.

- Thanksters and Cranksters

     A fun way of consciously choosing to be thankful instead of cranky- and it's not a game for just the kids. Ahem. Pointing to myself right now.

I feel like I stumbled on this book at just the right time. I needed it's encouragement and practical little tid bits.

Love,

Can't hardly believe it!

Tonight, I picked out clothes for my daughter's first day of school.

I have a school aged child.

Wow.

And no, she is not wearing the above outfit. Just the most recent picture of her.

She is SUPER excited. She doesn't get to go the school every day, since there is not enough staff to handle Kindergartners. But she is going for the first day "Opening" in which mean ol' Principal McCoy (aka Daddy) lays down the law, has a few contests, treats them to donut holes and other first day exciting activities.

All day long she has been saying to us, "Don't forget to walk me up early early in the morning for school!" No matter how many times we assure her that we will have her up and ready in time, she seems to be really anxious over us forgetting that it's her first day. And I just loved when she throw in: "Mom, we better remind Dad because you don't get up in the night time morning like he does."

While her and I decided what she'd wear tomorrow, I told her the sweater she'd picked wouldn't work because it wasn't in dress code because it has writing on it.

"What's dress code?" Oh man. So much for her to get accustomed to.

"It's like the rules for what you're allowed to wear to school, and if you aren't in dress code you get a demerit." I said.

"What's a demerit?" She wanted to know.

"You get a demerit when you do something against the rules."

"And you get put into jail?"

*chuckle*

"No... you don't get put into jail.

"Do you have to pay money?"

"No...."

"Do you get hit on the head?"

"NO!" What in the world? Where'd that come from? Kids are so weird.

By now, I'm thinking nothing much actually does happen when you get a demerit. You just get one. Nothing quite so bad like jail, or fines, or whacks on the head.

"You don't get to play when the other kids get to. And you get 3 in a day, you get in BIG TROUBLE."

None of this seemed to lessen her excitement for her first day. ☺

I'm excited for her. But amazed that it's here already. She is no longer a baby, or toddler or preschooler. She's a school aged kid. *gulp* Just a little ways away from being a bonefide Big Kid.

This parenting thing is intense. And hard and exhausting. But it seems to be going by so fast, that I know it'll be over before I know it. Not that there'll ever be a day when I'm not a parent. Because of course, each of my children will buy homes on my block and come eat dinner at my house every single evening for the rest of their lives. ☺ But even so, the days of discipline and teaching and training and punishing them, or bathing them, dressing them, nursing them, feeding them, or 24/7 care and responsibility for them will one day end. And I want to have no regrets. Which is probably an impossible goal. But how about few regrets? The days are passing quickly and I want to give it 100% while the window of training is open.

Maddie will never be a prechooler again. Never again a baby or toddler. It won't be long before other milestones are reached and I'll say good bye to her childhood entirely. So I'll mother the 4, almost 5 yr. old that she is now at full capacity, not mourning the days gone by, because I lived in those moments fully, nor to eager for the next phase for it will come in time's relentless fashion.

When it's all said and done, and my girls are all grown up, living right next door, and come check in on their elderly, yet mysteriously youthful looking mother, as she pets the pampered little lap dog that Daddy finally conceded into buying for her, complete with pink satin bow regardless of the dog's gender... I hope I can look back on these playful, tiring, messy days with satisfaction that I held nothing back and that my girls knew they were loved by a big God and a kooky mommy. 

Love,

Lying vs. Pretending

Before I even begin trying to explain my thoughts on this issue, let me just start with the facts:

1. I don't have all the answers. (Duh!)
2. It's none of my business (in other words, it is not for me to judge) what other parents do or not do with their children in regard to this (or any other topic).
3. You may be utterly confused by the end of this, or any other post I have written.
4. My clothes do not match today.


Lying is obviously a serious no-no and Seth and I have tried to be very clear and strict in our intolerance of it with our children. Our approach has always been that lying in itself is far worse than whatever misdeed the child is trying to conceal.

Pretty cut and dry. Black and white.

Well.... yesterday, my girls were perched by the living room window, watching for their Nana to arrive for dinner. In their excitement, they had set up their surveillance very prematurely and had a good half hour to wait and watch for Nana. As I went about cooking dinner and picking up around the house, I would hear one of them gleefully announce that Nana had arrived. Hmm. She's early. And I came to the door to unlock it. But my Mom wasn't there. And the girls looked up at me with mischievous happy expressions.

"Is Nana here or not?" I asked.

"I was just joking."

Hmmmm. I'm not sure I like this "joke". I asked if they were lying. "No... just being tricky". Well, I for sure don't like "tricky". So, I said "You may pretend but when I ask, I would like the real answer". So for the next 20 minutes, "Nana's here!" was exclaimed while the other cheered, then they both laughed and the other took their turn with the false advertisement.

This is what poor kids do for entertainment. ;)

I was not, and am not, completely satisfied with my response. But I made a point to mention it to Seth and asked him what he thought. We both agree that malicious lying is always met with punishment. But we also agree that we like the girls to pretend and use their imaginations. So here is my question, which I hope others can add input to, provided it's done in a polite way:

How do you distinguish the line between children pretending vs. lying?

I'm imagining some have a scowl on their face by now because they think we're being too petty. But maybe to some, we're far too lenient. But although I would like to hear from friends on what has worked for them, the bottom line is that I want please God, and be careful in this responsibility of child rearing. This same logic is what has formed our family's stance on Santa. We don't tell our girls that he is real or brings them their presents, because this feels like lying to us. Neither do we cover their eyes every time we walk by him in the mall in December and chant "Santa is Satan with the letters mixed around!" We just see him as a fun, make believe character like Charlie Brown or the Easter Bunny. They can watch Christmas movies with Santa or have a chocolate Santa in their stocking. We're just not going to try to convince them he is real. I think Eden may think he is, but finally, at 3 yrs. old, Maddie demanded to know one way or the other: what's the deal on this Santa guy and why does the one on TV look different than the one at the mall? So we told her: he's just a fun character lots of people dress up as.

Though Santa is just an example I'm  using to demonstrate pretending vs. lying, even growing up in a home that wasn't exactly Christain, I don't remember ever really believing in Santa. Presents said "From Santa" on on the tags but Santa's writing looked remarkably like my mom's, and you bet your biscuits we thanked Mom and Dad, not Santa. And there is a horrible but true story of me, as an 8 yr. old girl, sitting an adamant Santa believing friend down one day and letting him know it was all a fraud. The reindeer, the red suit, the half eaten cookies and half drunken milk... all an elaborate scam. He was literally devastated. I've never seen an 8 yr. old boy cry harder. Even ones with broken arms did not wail as this poor kid did. And (how sick was I), I remember feeling like I had done him a great service in bursting his bubble now and sparing him to pain of finding out as a middle aged man. Yes, I was a cynical kid in every way.

But if Santa is "real" at your house or not, no biggie to me. I know lots of good folk who have a grand family time with Santa at the center. And if you make delicious Santa shaped treats, you may share with me and I will gladly eat them. I'd like one right now, in fact.

The real point, which somehow I have completely deviated from, is making a clear distinction with children about pretend play and being deceitful. How does one do that? I'm definitely nixing the "tricky" or "sneaky" stuff. But imaginative play of the non-sneaky/non-tricky nature seems like a good thing to me.

For the time being, we continue to just say "Stop pretending and give me the correct answer" when we want the girls to return to reality for a moment. Maybe that will be sufficient. I just thought Hmmm... maybe some other moms have experience with this and wanted to open up the (hopefully gracious) conversation.


Love,

Ol Yeller and Baby Scheduling

Cooking, cleaning, cuddling, coloring, crafting (a little), couponing, church.

These are the activities that fill my days. ☺

My husband went on a 2 day trip to a men's conference last weekend. I usually really hate my husband being gone over night. I can hardly sleep. This time went better than in the past, for a few reasons I believe:

- I made no plans to get extra projects done. I don't know why I do that anyway. When half of the parenting team is away, why even hope to accomplish extra? The girls and I went to a local (expensive) indoor playground to use a gift certificate. The rainy day (and equally gloomy little girls missing their daddy) made for the perfect day to enjoy that treat. We also rented Ol' Yeller and cuddled on the couch.

- I refused to let my mind go into those horrific what-if's of being home alone at night. I turned the humidifier on high so that every creak of the house didn't cause my heart to skip a beat. I also took the advice of a friend and quoted Scripture to myself as I lie in bed. God hath not given us the spirit of fear....

When Seth returned, he brought me this lovely ladies' devotional. So far, I like it immensely.

Leila has welcomed her first tooth. It looks very cute. She is trying her best to sit unassisted and has begun rolling playfully on the floor. We've finally gotten some hearty belly laughs out of her. Truth be told, Madison has the gift of making Leila laugh. We're also (finally) settling into a somewhat regular nap routine.

A word on routine/scheduling babies: If I ever want to generate comments on my blog, the key phrase of "baby scheduling" seems to do the trick. ☺I've come to realize that scheduling a baby means different things to different people. Some envision a mom wearing a stop watch around her neck, withholding nourishment or comfort until the typed out schedule stuck on the fridge (or the baby book) dictates that it is time. Maybe for some that is how it is. But not for me. When I say "baby schedule" what I really mean is a steady, mostly consistent routine. Waking up, eating, taking naps and going to bed roughly around the same time every day. Don't you usually eat or go to bed about the same time every day? I don't look at the clock to figure out what my baby needs. But a "general this is what we usually do" helps me to plan ahead, and know that gee, Leila is crying and it's 10am. I just fed her, so by George, I bet the girl needs a nap.

I own and gleaned some help from a BabyWise, which is a book about parent directed baby care. I agree with the underlying philosophies of the authors: that babies need parents (two of them). But I don't really follow the suggestions strictly. For example, Leila usually is nursed or cuddled to sleep, as were my other girls. I completely see why the authors, and many parents, are adamant about lying baby down groggy but still awake. I'm not opposed to that by any means. Nursing just usually knocks her out when she is tired, or in the case of most evenings, Seth and I enjoy snuggling with Leila after the older girls are put to bed. It's not usually intentional... she just always falls asleep. So we put her in the crib, and we cuddle with the only people still awake: each other. ♥

And I never let a hungry baby stay hungry. Nope. Got milk? Why, yes I do. With a routine, however, I almost always can count on a good 3-4 hours before Leila will be hungry again. Exceptions occur, obviously. My girls were generally big time sleepy heads as newborns. So I put great effort (especially with extra sleepy Eden) to get a nice big feeding in so that I wasn't nursing every hour. By a month or so old, I felt confident that they wouldn't need me for long enough to run to the store or sit in a church service, for example.

So there is the Kayte philosophy of baby scheduling. You were dying to know, I'm sure. =)

The older two were in a steady routine very early. It was easy and they seemed to naturally welcome it. Leila has as well, except for naps. She's been all over the place with naps. I do believe she thinks that, at 6 months, she doesn't require naps. Which of course she does. We've taken to calling her "Kittty Kat" because she is the queen of cat naps. It's like she just doesn't want to miss any of the action. She loves people and wants to just visit all day long.

I like visiting too. But I must pull myself away from virtual visiting now. Have a wonderful day!

Love,

Beauty AND brains

Shall I warn you know that I am about to be an obnoxious mother bragging on her kid for doing what every other child in the world eventually does as well? ;)

Maddie is doing FANTASTIC in her phonic lessons. She is... (are you ready???) .... READING!!!!!

Is there anything more exciting to learn!!!?!!!

I suppose you could say we're homeschooling... when people see me with my tall-for-her-age four year old out and about during school hours (which we actually do less and less of these days), they wonder why she isn't in school. I didn't really think anything of it, since she just turned 4 in October, but I guess (around here anyway) most kiddos her age are in K4. So when asked, I started saying that I was teaching her pre-school at home.

"Oh." with raised eyebrows.

"Well, I do have an elementary teaching degree". I say... even though I don't really know why I feel compelled to "legitimize" teaching her at home. But it does make the eye brows of the inquirer go down. I think I might stop saying that though... because leaving a trail of eye brow raised strangers in my wake is kind of entertaining.

I think homeschooling is great. When moms (and Dads too) solely take on the huge responsibility of educating their children and do a great job at it, I pretty much think they are super heroes. Really. SUPER HEROES.

It sort of scares me though, to be perfectly honest. For a while, I almost couldn't wrap my mind around homeschooling, especially once you have children of different ages/grades. Probably because there are a lot of different methods and routines and approaches to it. I think I was imagining myself trying to utilize every single good idea I ever heard of into one all-encompassing mega thorough homeschooling experience. And it was exhausting just to contemplate.

So maybe you're wondering why I even think about homeschooling... isn't my handsome hubby the principal of a small Christian academy? (That's what you were thinking isn't it?) First of all, I know it's hard but I would thank you not to dwell on my husband's handsomeness. Unless you're (as like half of my readers are) related to him, it's a bit inappropriate. ☺

Secondly, yes. Let me explain our little school: it's like homeschooling, at the church. We have about 10 students who primarily work independently. They use Alpha-Omega curriculum (mostly) and the staff (other than my husband and his father) are parent volunteers.

Little ones obviously need constant one on one teaching so Kindergarten is done at home. And with the absence of my mother in law at the school, first grade will probably need to be done at home as well.

So I'm a sorta kinda homeschool-er. ☺

And this isn't officially kindergarten anyway. She just seemed ready to learn to read so... we started.

Both Maddie and Eden LOVE "school time". We read one verse from Proverbs, and we pray. I really enjoy hearing children pray, especially my own. Then we review the letters and their sounds, the vowels, maybe sing the alphabet song (or a totally unrelated song if the girls ask) and then we introduce another letter. We practice it's sound, practice writing it, talk about words that begin with it, trying reading a few words, color a few pictures and then we end with the most anticipated animal picture. Maddie holds the photo and tells me what she observes about the animal just by it's picture. Then I read to her a small paragraph about the animal. She just loves this part.

She is actually reading words on her own. Already. They are 2 or 3 letter words but she's reading them. On her own. Already.

(See... that was the obnoxious part I warned you about...).

I attempted uploading a video of her reading... hopefully it works. ☺ She sailed through the first half of the sentence and then got a little tripped over the last word. Not too shabby, though!



Love,

Parenting Philosophies

As I begin writing this post, my mind is a disorganized jumble of thoughts, conviction, verses, and a desire to make it all clear and computable to my mind. Maybe it is the little baby growing in my tummy that somehow has my brain in a fog, or maybe it is simply the enormity of the subject of parenting and the philosophies that govern our parenting. Hopefully by the time I sign "Love, Kayte" we are not all confused and reaching for the "off" button on our computers! ;)

My pastor preached a lesson tonight from the text Titus 2:1-5. It was part two of a two week lesson on the subject of teaching, specifically in the area of parenting. I was serving in the nursery last week so I did not catch for the first half of the lesson but the second half was a huge help and blessing to me. I have had several conversations with my father in law (and pastor) about parenting. I have actually cried (and wished that I hadn't; don't you ever wish you could turn off the "woman" part of your brain that makes you cry when you don't really want to!☺) as we talked about how my generation, including myself, are lacking in some of the basic fundamentals of parenting. The world has infiltrated our philosophies to such an extend that we are void in even just common sense in some fields. Christians mimic worldly methods at every turn, and yet hope for a better result. I have felt discouraged as I have looked inside myself and saw that I had an empty tool box while trying to build godly, wise, prudent children that can lead useful happy lives for the Lord. Tonight, however, I was given some practical help and spiritual encouragement. I suppose to some, a preacher "meddling" with the private affairs of parenting and family life would be bothersome, but I am so hungry for it. I know I need it and I drink it up.

I scribbled down a few notes as pastor spoke tonight, and I think it might be an encouragement to others who are also in the "parenting trenches" and may be needing a boost. Of course, please understand that I took notes as closely as I could, but these are not direct quotes. My father in law can not be held responsible for any incoherent babbling that may follow. ;)

• The most important things I learned in life, I did not learn in school. I learned it home, particularly from my Dad. There is no substitute for a Mom and a Dad as they interact while raising a family.

• II Cor. 12:15 "I will gladly spend and be spent for you..." Parents, you have to literally pour your life into your kids. Spouse, you have pour your life into your spouse.

• All the worldly philosophies that have corrupted our thinking and the way we approach parenting are rooted in selfishness. The second root in laziness.

• I despise terms like "bonding" and "quality time". It's the world's way of making themselves feel better about their neglect. We need quality parents who spend time... lots and lots of time with their children.

• Love is an action. Loving our children is serving them, instructing them, teaching them, helping them. TIME.

• My Dad was always teaching me. This is the way we sweep, this is how to hammer a nail, this is how to fix a toilet, this is what you do with machinery. We never do this, we always do this. How to act, how to walk, what to do. Always teaching me.

Do you know the literal meaning the word "selfish"? The root words translate to mean "self imposed hell". And isn't that so true? Selfish living results in such misery for others, and even more so for ourselves. I am adopting II Cor. 12:15 as my parenting verse. Sometime soon, I am going to create some decorative wall hanging and paint the verse on it to remind me. Until I do that, I am just going to hand write it and post it somewhere I look at often.

Just yesterday, I put the girls to bed quite early at 7:30. I was just too tired to answer any more questions. Get any more sippy cups full. Read any more books. Have any more tea parties. Assist in the potty or change any more diapers. When Seth came home, I told him that I just couldn't take it any more so I put them to bed. We all have bad days, to be sure. But I certainly don't want the "I can't take it any more" attitude to be any more than a rare occurrence. I'm praying for the Lord to change me. Moms are generally not thought of as selfish people. We certainly like to think of ourselves as "givers" and "sacrificers". But truth be told, our sin nature and our personal tendencies do not vanish the moment we give birth. At times, these little people who call us Mom seem to actually accentuate our short comings. At the same time, what greater opportunity does a person have to truly die to self than with the privilege and responsibility of parenting. My pastor, a few years ago, said that he discourages any couple to plan against having any children. He said there is a maturity that comes only with parenthood and though some may never have children for reasons beyond their control, he advises not to plan on being childless in a desire for a career or other pursuit.

Parenting isn't for wimps, they say! I need to pump some figurative iron. Praise the Lord that He doesn't ask us to do this alone!

If any of us lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally and unbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

James 1:5

Love,

Blanket Time

I first heard about the "Blanket Time" concept in one of the BabyWise books... it might be "ToddlerWise". One in the series anyway...

The basic gist of it is your baby is trained to sit on a blanket (or whatever) for anywhere from 5 minutes to a half an hour. For a person with no room for a play pen, and my children associate being put in the crib or on their bed with punishment for misbehavior, I like this idea. I remember when I was reading this in the "ToddlerWise" book and thinking that I should get Maddie in the habit of playing by herself for a little while each day. But somehow, it never happened with her.

Okay, I"ll admit it. I was a big squishy softy with her.

A few weeks ago, I picked up the Duggar Family's book at the library. Whether you agree with their convictions or not, you've got to admit that a woman with 19 children probably has a few tricks up her sleeve! It was a really easy, fun book to read. I don't have cable so I've only seen maybe 2 episodes of their show, but their book was chucked full of humor, down to earthness (I think I just invented that phrase) and good solid ideas.

She presented blanket time as "a play pen in your purse". The way she explained the method was a bit more user friendly and realistic. She had a basket of special little toys that her baby/toddler could choose from and then sit on their blanket until instructed to get up. They baby had to SIT on the blanket, not stand or jump around. (As you can see in my picture, I am just fine with the baby laying around and pretending that she is a beaver and her tea cup is a tree trunk. But that's just me!) Mrs. Duggar made it sound to the child like a fun thing and was very enthusiastic about the whole thing. Young kids learn what is fun by our voice tones and facial expressions! If the child threw their toy, they simply didn't have a toy for the remainder of blanket time and they soon learned to keep a hold of their toy.

When I first reading her describe her routine for blanket time, my initial reactions were:
1. That sounds wonderful.
2. My kids will never cooperate.

But, I decided to try it anyway by virtue of necessity. I was trying to make dinner, both girls were whiny and under foot every second and it was just a stressful time of the day!! So I thought, It can't get any worse; might as well try it. So I got out a blanket and a favorite toy for each girl. I plopped Eden down on the blanket and Maddie was told to stay in a chair until I said to get up. As I fully anticipated, neither were a big fan of this idea. But dinner was burning so I left them fussing in their individual areas and went about my work. Eden got up once, was reprimanded and put back. In typical Maddie fashion, Maddie stayed put while exclaiming that she was obeying while Eden wasn't. Na na na boo boo. (She didn't say that exactly but that was her attitude!) Eden fussed for another 5 minutes and then it suddenly occurred to me that other than food sizzling in the pan, the house was quiet. I looked into the living room to see both girls engrossed in their toy.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!!!!

So this has become a regular thing in the McCoy house, especially while I cook dinner or do something else that requires my full attention. As cheesy as it sounds, and as much as I was skeptical, Maddie actually gets a bit excited about "Chair Time" as she calls it. I think she has figured out that this little block of time lets her play with a special toy, like her key board, without a certain little red head coming by and banging on it. And I actually think Maddie just likes having me direct her activities. She doesn't like to be aimlessly wandering around looking for something to do. For Eden, it's still 50/50... half the time she still fusses, but then gets over it and plays well. But half the time she takes her cue from Maddie and I and settles into blanket time happily.

My two cents for making it effective:

Remember that it's not time out... it's not meant to be a punishment but rather an "activity". A time for each child to play alone without having to share their beloved toy. Sometimes I am tempted to declare blanket time when they are being naughty but then it's dreaded and it is so much better if it is is seen as a fun thing. It's better to punish naughtiness, give it a few minutes, then declare blanket time.

It's probably obvious but this idea will not work if the toddler hasn't been learning to obey in general. It may be good "practice time" for them to learn to obey mommy and stay put.

All day every day can't be blanket time! Ah shucks! I save it for the times when I really need them to be independent for a little while. My girls can handle around 25 minutes well (we set the timer) at this point. But oh, the things I can do in 25 minutes!!! The first time we did this, I set the timer for 10 minutes, which was perfect. They could manage it and weren't dying to get up by the time the timer rang.

So far, we have only done this at home. I'm hoping that next time I have a double appointment at the pediatrician's office, this idea saves me the embarrassment of one kid hanging from the ceiling while I try to discuss the other child with our doctor! Our last checkup did not go so smoothly!!! Maddie was doing Evel Knievel moves off the firetruck examine table while Eden was being looked over.

Aside from simply giving mommy as little time to get something done, an expected benefit arose from doing blanket time. The girls ENJOY their toy and are content with that one toy for a time. I really like that. The typical play routine is for the girls to get out a bunch of stuff but not really play with it. Maybe it's having SOOO many options they are too distracted to actually focus on one item. It just seems like it's good for them to be calm and quiet and self entertaining for a small stretch of time. So there- it's not COMPLETELY selfish! ;)

Well this turned out to be a long post on a simple subject! Enjoy your day!

Mommy Guilt

I am conducting a survey.

Do you mommies feel a sense of mommy guilt? Why do you think this is and what is the cure?

I shall explain:

When I was expecting Eden, I was completely happy about the idea of having another baby... especially another girl. Along with just adding to our family and life, I was happy for Maddie to be having a close in age sibling, and a sister to boot. I felt that it was in her best interest that she not remain an only child for long (not saying it would be wrong... just my opinion as I noticed her attitude of "It's all about ME!", which just about every toddler develops, right?). There were many things I did not anticipate that happened when Eden arrived and the biggest surprise to me to the strong feeling of guilt that I had. It's difficult to explain, but I will try.

I felt overwhelmed at the idea that now three people (my two children and my husband) were relying on me so heavily. Each of them wanted ALL of me. I felt like I was being stretched farther than possible. I could not give myself totally to each of them all at the same time. Failing one, if not all of them seemed inevitable. I wanted to be teaching and training Maddie to obey better and just spend time playing with her and engaging her. I wanted to give Eden all the loving and cuddling that a newborn should have, plus nurse her as long as possible. And maybe the hardest of all was trying to give Seth all the attention and priority a husband should have and trying to be careful to not let babies consume our marriage. Further complicating my situation is the fact that Eden was born in May. Why is that significant? I'm a youth pastor's wife. The late spring and summer is a very very busy time for us. Tiny little Eden came along to youth conferences and outings, and was just fine. If you've ever nursed a baby while standing up in a bathroom stall on the thru way rest stop, you MIGHT be a youth pastor's wife! ; ) Honestly though, it all felt like trying to divide up a raisin into three servings that would fill each person. I knew in my head that this feeling of guilt and not being able to satisfy every need presented to me was illogical and unnecessary but I could not shake the guilty feeling, which I have dubbed "Mommy Guilt". It plagued me strongly for about 3 months, during which time I muddled through and did my best to be everything each of these three special people needed of me. The guilt subsided a great deal as Eden got older and I felt that we were adjusted to our new family size. I was back to giving Maddie one on one time, and was able to lavish more attention on Seth. I still did have some guilt about not having the time to cuddle and snuggle with Eden as much as did with Maddie. The guilt is not overwhelming any more but it still does arise periodically.

This subject has been on my mind recently because in conversation with other moms, I have gotten the impression that they too feel Mommy Guilt, especially as new members are added to their family. It makes me wonder if mommies of large families feel this way when bringing in their 8th, 9th and so on child. I hope to have a big family as well and I wonder if I will feel this way when I have our 3rd, 4th and more, Lord willing. If I felt so guilt ridden with just two kiddos, I certinaly hope not!

While in the hospital waiting room yesterday as I tried to sneak at peek at my brand new nephew, I had a conversation about Mommy Guilt with my father in law, who is also my pastor. He knew exactly to what I was referring because my sister in law had just been in tears about how she would be able to care for her three older boys, one of whom is still a baby, and her newborn. My father in law is old school in every way.... common sense practicality oozes out of him, and sometimes that is just foreign to my female, "touchy feely" brain! ; ) He told me that he is baffled by the young mothers today who seem to all struggle with this nagging guilt. When my in laws were bringing up their house full of children, guilt had never occurred to him, and not to his wife either because they've discussed this trend as they observed it in young moms. They just hunkered down and did right by them. Period. What's to feel guilty about?

Sitting in that maternity ward as we talked on this subject and others concerning family life, I thought "I do not believe this man has an ounce of estrogen in him." *sigh*

This evening I brought it up to my husband and... well. He doesn't get it either. It's not his fault. Again, serious void of estrogen.

Do you think estrogen promotes guilt like it promotes breast cancer? Hmmm. Someone should do a clinical study on that!

So please, give me your in-put. Is this a generational thing? Is it a wrong philosophy thing? Is hormone therapy the only cure? Maybe you do not experience the guilt that I'm referring to? Why do you think that is?

I love this...

I clipped this from a magazine a long time ago. I wish I had the software to make it look clearer.

Isn't that sweet?

Working on being the mommy I want to be

Dr. Hyles would say that the Christian life is like steering a car; a series of small constant adjustments to keep ourselves going straight. Not big jerks one direction, then the other- just a little tweak this way, then a little tweak that way. I feel that this illustration could also be applied to parenting as well. Continually evaluating and adjusting, all the while knowing that perfection will never be attained but hoping that if we keep tweaking we will eventually arrive at our destination and be able to look back at a generally straight trail behind us.

When Maddie was a baby and young toddler, I was constantly asking my friends for advice on just about every subject. Partially this was a sincere desire to glean from their knowledge, but part of my constant advice seeking was just insecurity and laziness to figure things out for myself. I still do seek wisdom from more experience moms, but have realized that no one person has all the answers. One mom may have a good idea on one subject; another has a great method for a certain thing and so forth. I am really glad to have “stolen” some ideas from wiser moms… I just could not have come up some of the good thoughts others have learned over the course of many years (and sometimes, many children). I have become more selective about where I glean knowledge from…. and am getting better at figuring out which tid-bits could actually be practical and suitable for MY family. And it is true that some things we just have to figure out for ourselves, the hard way!

I came across this blog because of the HP TouchSmart giveaway (which you can enter as well… good until Christmas Eve) and started poking around some older posts. She has some helpful ideas about managing with her four little ones. Reading through this list of ideas, I knew where I had been going wrong lately.

My latest tweaks:

- Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child. The Bible states this fact, and while I won’t be so presumptuous to declare why God puts certain passages in his Word, it occurred to me that perhaps God was saying “It’s a fact that children are foolish. Your kids won’t be immune. Expect it and deal with it in the way which I told you.” It seems that sometimes I act like I am caught off guard by the fact that my children are behaving *gasp* childishly. Why should I be surprised? It’s what children do. Just acknowledging that fact helps me to have a better frame of mind and to be ready and waiting when that foolishness rears its ugly head. I somewhat humorously will reference I Peter 4:12, “Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you.” Okay, okay, I’m not really sure the misbehavior of a 3 yr. old and 19 mo. old were what this passage was intended to cover, but the principle applies, I think!

- Deal with misbehavior quickly. When we ignore it and keep issuing warnings without actually handling the problem, and let our frustration build, we do much damage. Our kids believe us to be liars for our failure to follow through, and we become increasingly upset, to the point where even rage can settle in. I don’t think I have ever exactly gone into RAGE. Mostly what happens around here is frustration and lots of sighing and a sour disposition. Watching my little girls mimic me sighing is most humbling.

- Give them my full attention. There are some things I just cannot do while the girls are awake. Blogging would be one of them. Trying to do balance my checkbook or work on church projects… basically anything involving the computer, is just a frustrating futile effort. The project and the girls suffer from trying to spread myself between them. So I’m just going to stop trying!! I need to work on developing a scheduled time for my church endeavors. So far, between 10pm and midnight is it. Hmmm. Must work on this.

- Move on from bad parts of the day. A tendency around here is that once the day is spoiled by oh I don’t know, a certain little girl helping herself to some paint and spilling it on the carpet or something along those lines, the day holds the tone of that bad deed and the resulting consequence. Maddie is a pretty emotional little creature. I don’t know if it’s just her, or if it’s a girl thing, or what, but she can carry on and on about the smallest thing all day. I have been thinking that I am pretty much teaching her to keep carrying on and on by allowing the discipline session to cast a grumpy mood for hours. This is on my part more than anyone’s. Especially if it’s something involving a big mess. I would hate for her to learn to hold a grudge from her mom. So we’re going to deal with misbehavior, talk about it, hug and kiss and move on.

I must be feeling recovered from this horrible flu and ear infection because I feel like tackling everything… along with this resolutions, I’ve been cleaning like a mad woman and have organized some of those nooks and crannies that have been neglected far too long. I love a tidy house… but just like these parenting adjustments, it’ll all need to be done again in the near future. A woman’s work is never done, as they say!

Lipstick Liar

Madsion emerged from the bathroom looking like this:

Maddie, did you put on my lipstick?

Noooooo.

Madison, you need to tell me the truth. Did .you. put. on. lipstick????

NO!

Hmmmm. Do I let her in on how I know, or just let her think that I'm all knowing and powerful? Went with the latter. I did, eventually, get a truthfully answer. I have a friend who suggests not giving her kids the opportunity to lie, so maybe I should have asked, "Why did you put on my lipstick without asking?" In any case, whatever I have asked her since this episode, she fesses up with an emphatic "And I didn't lie!!!"

So if you need some tips on lying, or make up application, Maddie is NOT your girl!

"...be sure your sin will find you out." Num. 32:23

Little Mamas

Here is Maddie holding a very newborn Eden... in the first picture, Eden is a few days old, and in the second, she is in my recovery room (yes, they provide a rocking chair!) with Eden at a few hours of age.

Parenting in one word is humbling. The person who believes themselves to have it all together... to be organized, to be capable, to have all, or at least most, of the answers... needs to have a baby! Somehow those little wiggly creatures reveal so much about ourselves... some of which we hope the world will not take notice. But our own deficiencies are hard to ignore when so rawly exposed by the behavior of our "sweet little darlings."

Sometimes though, when they mimic us, it provokes a different form of humility. Lately, Maddie has taken to being Eden's second mother. I will often overhear the girls in another room playing out this conversation, almost verbatim every single time:

Maddie: Eden, come see Maddie. I need to put your shoes on! We're going to church. (Picture Maddie "dressed for church" herself... a fashionable ensemble of "Boston, Mass" souvenir t-shirt, colorful undies and dress shoes... that's all. Her outfit of choice.)

Eden ignores her sister and continues playing.

Maddie: Eden, when I call your name, you come right away! You are being naughty! OBEY RIGHT AWAY! Now come see Maddie.

Eden is unresponsive.

Maddie: Eden, you are being a very naughty girl! Come here right away! Say "yes ma'am" and come HERE!!!!

Eden is still uncooperative. Madison tries to soften her approach.

Maddie, in a sing song voice: Eden Grace.... I just want to help you get ready! We will have lots of fun when you obey! But when you are naughty, we can not do fun things. Are you ready to be a good girl??

Eden is oblivious to Maddie's patience wearing thin.

Maddie: Eden, what will happen if you do not obey me?? You will have to get a spankin'! Okay, I have to do it because you're not obeyin' me! Now you will bend over and hold still, do you understand??

And at this point, I intervene before Maddie climbs up to retrieve her Daddy's belt.

Hearing these exchanges actually is not in Maddie's best interest as far as she is concerned... for it confirms more fully how much she really does understand when it is her turn to be "oblivious" to my directions! And it makes me realize that I can sound like a broken record and should actually and truly expect them both to obey right away! Thanks for the discipline tips, Maddie!

Eden takes her turns playing the mommy, too. Her lectures are usually limited to "Na-no!! Na-no!! Na-no!!" and Maddie is as equally disobedient to Eden as Eden is to her. Thankfully, they both are getting better at heeding my words! We started right away with Eden, working with her as soon as she was mobile. It is so wonderful to have a baby who actually comes to you when she is called! The frustration I felt as Maddie would toddle off the other direction every time I called her name was enough to force me to seek out better tactics! I have been helped very much by a book called To Train Up a Child by Michael Pearl. I feel as though I should include a disclaimer that I don't agree with every one of their beliefs, but that seems redundant. It there an author on earth I'd agree 100% with? I will simple say to use your discretion but don't reject an idea based on the fact that it is new to your way of thinking. Whatever ideas that I did choose to implement have been very effective. Maybe one of these days I will write a post entirely on my discoveries in what I once thought to be the scary, intimidating land of disciplining children. For now, back to my little mamas.

Isn't it amazing how mothering seems to be a natural desire in little girls' hearts? Not to say that we are all domestic goddesses by birth but I never had to teach them to hold a baby doll gently cradled in the crook of their arms, and I've never had to instruct Maddie to say soft consoling words to Eden when she falls... there is somehow in little girls a mini-mama. I had some precious pictures of Maddie pretending to nurse her baby doll (which we sadly lost when my hard drive died), and most days you can catch Eden putting a play bottle to the mouth of her doll. This is what I mean by "a different form of humility"... like Wow, they are copying me. In a large part, I will be the model for what kinds of mothers they will be one day. Humbling.

Remember me...

My thoughts are still on Madison’s 3rd birthday. The day will come, far sooner than I can even understand right now, when her birthday will not be celebrated with a heart shaped cake and toys and cousins. One day she will reach adulthood. Where will she go? What will she do? Trying to imagine her future, I tend to picture her following a similar path as I did: a Christian college and marriage. But perhaps that will not be the path she takes. And if she does, where will that path lead on to? A fair away state? A far away country? Only the Lord knows. But it will most likely not be a path which includes her sleeping in a pastel colored room next to mine and eating dinner across from me with spaghetti all over her face. I hope I will always remember her childhood and her carefree ways. I hope I never forget her smiles and the many many questions she asks and her “dig in her heels” stubborn nature, which I am sure will one day be an asset. (That day is not today but...) I hope I always remember her temperament and personality. But what will she remember me as…?

Maddie, I hope you remember me as the mommy who always managed to muster up just a little more patience, instead of a mommy giving in to weariness and irritability.

Remember me as the mommy who had a willing servant’s heart when you made extra messes with your childlike clumsiness and not as the mommy who let her frustration show.

Remember me as the mommy who had encouraged you softly when your fears held you back from being friendly and not as the mommy who was more concerned with her daughter making her look good in front of others.

Remember me as the mommy who told you how proud of you she was when you conquered your fears and finally said “Hello, Mr. Grant.” And not as the mommy who didn’t realize how hard it was for you to do.

Remember me as the mommy who took time to build a tent and sit in it as long as you wanted to and not as the mommy who decided laundry was more important.

Remember me as the mommy who loved you enough to discipline you… again. And not as the mommy resorting to begging and yelling.

Remember me as the mommy who appreciated your daddy for all the help he so cheerful gave and not as the mommy who always had a better way of doing things.

Remember me as the mommy who had died to her own selfishness instead of a mommy putting her own comforts and desires first.

Remember me as the mommy who wore a smile everyday and loved the life the Lord gave her and not the mommy full of complaints and whines.

Truthfully, I am both of these mommies. I hope Maddie only remembers HALF of me.

“He hath made the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.” Psalm 113:9